Hello everyone! Last week was busy again at work, but I have found that I am gradually getting back to my normal self; I was able to walk faster into town and felt less exhausted when I was at work and especially when I was helping at the Acorn Centre. Unfortunately I am still not sleeping as well as I was before and still tire easily in the evening, waking early even on days off, so I will have to postpone getting back to exercising a little while yet; I promised my daughter Cathy that I would only get back to exercising when I had felt properly back to my old self and then allow a couple of days of feeling ‘normal’ first!’ I am trying to be patient but it is not always easy!
The weather is so lovely, bright and cold but it is such a treat to have a bright blue sky; it feels so healthy. I have been allowing myself time to read and I have just finished an excellent book, as it is described ‘a cheerful book about depression’, called ‘Sunbathing in the Rain’ by Gwyneth Lewis. My beloved heard it first as a radio play and was so impressed and ordered the book. She described her background, how the depression she was prone to made her feel her relationship with her husband and her way of coping with life. She quotes from many sources which enhances her experiences and explains how she has learnt to understand and learn from what depression is teaching her about herself. She lived life at too great a rate and burnt herself out and was untrue to herself in how she lived her life; thus she pushed herself too much in wrong directions too ready to see her failings and faults and her responsibility for the problems of others. She learnt that she was only responsible for herself and not for how anyone else reacted or behaved; then she was able to see how she could live in a way which nurtured her and did not push her to depression and having to cut herself off from the world around her. I can see the truth of what she says but I am still ready to feel that I am responsible for how someone else feels. When my beloved feels hollow and upset by things that happen, even if or especially if there is nothing that could be done about it, I find myself tensing up and feeling responsible even though I am not. It is still easy to blame myself even if I have done nothing wrong, but I still feel so bad if I have done something wrong; I aim for perfection and feel in that way I will be able to be a good wife and keep my beloved happy. It is so difficult not to feel I have let my beloved down if he is feeling unhappy, even though it is not my fault! When will I ever learn? I will try to remember that lesson from Gwyneth Lewis’s book, so I can be just responsible for myself.